After I posted my first How To Suffer blog, I realized that I had left out some important ways to be a totally miserable human being. In order to make sure you have as many tools as possible to suffer, here they are.
(1) Be Right: Yes, you are right. Do not accept anyone else’s point of view. Do not, for any reason, put on their shoes and walk a mile. Do not care what anyone else says, you are right. The best part is not only are you right, everyone else is wrong. Keep repeating to yourself “I am right and everyone else is wrong.” This way you will be sure to alienate every being on the planet and even your dog won’t like you.
(2) Lie Whenever Possible: Let’s be honest, truth is a slippery slope and all reality is just perception. You just can’t manipulate people if you don’t lie. Some people say you can’t lie to yourself, but if you practice enough actually you can. The bigger the lie the more miserable you will be so don’t hold back, tell a whopper. Be sure to lie to those people who trust you. When you get really good you will transit into sport lying, when you lie just for the sport of it and to see what happens. You can be sure when all of that boomerangs the misery levels will go off the charts.
(3) Never take responsibility: Be strong and know that it is not your fault. Life happens to you, not for you. There is no sense in contemplating your role in any situation, you are just a victims. Victims don’t have to change, they just complain. It is not your fault you were born in a dog eat dog world. So relax, life sucks and then you die.
(4) Have Unreasonable Expectations: Always raise the bar and never be satisfied. Never believe you are good enough because that philosophy is for losers. Be sure to beat yourself up when you wake up, during the day, and especially as you toss and turn during the night when a happy person would be grateful. If you don’t feel like a failure, it is really hard to perfect your misery.
(5) Covet, Covet, Covet: The grass is always greener on the other side. You have to gaze lustily at your neighbors’ possessions and be sure to ignore your own. After all, if you ever watered your grass it might be greener on this side. It is very important to suffering to want what you don’t have and panic at the thought of losing anything you do have. It may not be as good as the neighbors’ but it is yours. Desire is very important to fuel your misery.
(6) Eat poorly: In order to maintain a proper level of suffering, it is very important to eat everything that is not good for you. Fresh might make you feel better so always eat frozen processed foods loaded with preservatives. Diet sodas are very important because aspartame turns into methyl alcohol and formaldehyde, insuring that you kill your entire intestinal flora. You are what you eat, so eat like teenager on a sugar high.
As I said in the first How to Suffer, I am being tongue in cheek. If you avoid these you have a good chance of being happy.