Spiritual and relationship expert, teacher, counselor, advisor, speaker, and writer James Gray Robinson


           One of the greatest misconceptions about love is the mythical “soulmate”. There are many theories, ideals, desires, expectations and illusions about love, and the idea that there is someone out there that will make our lives better and filled with love is misplaced. I recently read an article about the difference between “Soulmates” and “Life Partners”. The gist of the article was that soulmates motivate you to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness while life partners support you and are in sync with your needs and wants.

            I wrote an award winning book a few years ago called “What is Love?” that looked at the illusions and delusions of the common beliefs about love and concluded that love is much different than what our society deems it to be. Ideal unconditional love is not about finding a compatable partner but loving those who hurt us the most so that we can learn that the hurt is just an illusion. At the highest levels of consciousness, there are no soulmates, ex-spouses, BFF or GFF because we are all one. The question is why do we yearn for someone to make us complete?

            The first issue anyone who is looking for someone must look at is whether they are seeking to replace a parent. People who felt abandoned or rejected by their parents are the most vulnerable when it comes to finding that “perfect person” who will make their life comfortable. I often joke about the fact that most people think a soulmate is someone who can’t say “no”. They want someone to cook their meals, be with them 100% of the time, satisfy their desires, be a Sunday School teacher by day and a prostitute at night. As proposterous as that may sound, if you scratch the surface of anyone that is desperately searching for their soulmate (in spiritual workshops or online), there is a ring of truth to that reality.

            The second issue people need to look at is why they feel they need a companion in the first place. There must be a reason that over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. What are we doing wrong? Are we that misguided or misinformed that the majority of relationships that at some point was perceived as “spiritual bliss” turns into someone’s worst nightmare. I was told at an early age that humans were naturally monogamous and marriages should last forever. Then I became a divorce lawyer and discovered that was a big lie.

            I want to write a “Marriage for Dummies” manual one day packed with sage advice for finding your soulmate and keeping him/her in your arms forever. It would be a great work of fiction, because people are people and they are always learning and growing. Each person is at a specific vibration at any one part of their life. By that I mean that their perspective and perception of the world is at a quantifiable level based on their level of happiness. Each person grows and evolves and their vibration changes. When two people start off at a compatible level, they seem to be well suited for each other. If they grow at different rates they will eventually part because people at different vibrations end up like fingernails on a blackboard. That is what is known as “growing apart”.

            The easiest way to find a soulmate is to not want one. Have you ever noticed that phenomenon? When we are desire-less, the universe will always provide what we need. When we resist what is happening in the current moment (also known as wishing things were different) we repel what we desire. When we let go of the desire of an object, the object of the desire has a tendency to show up. When we really really want something or someone, it seems like there is a barrier to their attraction. So the lesson is to let go of our desires. I am reminded of the old saying “be careful what you ask for because you may get it”. That is especially true for soulmates. The best advice is to just be. Don’t grasp for anyone. Don’t try to manipulate anyone. If we are not in a relationship, meditate on why that is. What are we supposed to learn? What are we supposed to work on?

            I believe that “soulmates” are ourselves. When we want someone to love us, that person needs to be us. When we want someone to take care of us, that should be us. When we want someone to complete us, that person should be us. The sooner we let go of this mythical ideal of “soulmates” and “life partners” and simply live our life with gratitude and wonder, the sooner we will be happy. Then you may meet someone that surprises you.

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