Spiritual and relationship expert, teacher, counselor, advisor, speaker, and writer James Gray Robinson


           I hear from a lot of people that our reality is changing. I know that the poles are shifting (even NASA confirms this), weather is really getting weird, politics and world economies are changing. The most profound shift I hear about is how relationships are changing and becoming less codependent and more divinely inspired. Predictions are that the old way of relating to someone has to change, and will change. This is attributed to the fact that our consciousness is shifting out of the physical, three dimensional reality to a more spiritual, five dimensional reality. To be honest, I am not quite sure what this means, but I can tell you that one of the most incredible relationships I have ever experienced is far different than any relationship I have ever experienced.

In the past, relationships were based primarily on whether the participants could  satisfy basic needs and desires of their partner. There was the chemistry factor, which is an antiquated way of saying that more needs were satisfied than not. There is also the Cinderella factor; that is the person you fell in love with may be a magical fantasy you create in your mind and project on the other person. When the clock strikes midnight and the magic wears off, you are left with someone that you may not even recognize. There are pheromones, organic compounds and brain chemistry involved in the old way of relationships that may change at any moment. Being a divorce attorney for many years proved that attraction can change almost over night and people jump in and out of bed with a frightening frequency.

From a socioeconomic perspective, we created a fantasy life reflected in fairy tales of love at first sight and committed long term relationships as the ideal relationship. I grew up being told that humans were one of the few species that was monogamous and love was forever. My experience in adulthood was far different; I discovered that pain decides whether a relationship is forever — more than love. Statistically more marriages fail than last a lifetime. My observation is that many relationships that did last a lifetime probably shouldn’t have. In other words, the ideal committed permanent relationship may have died a cultural death, and we pick and choose who we live with based on many factors other than love. Obviously when one partner chooses not to fulfill the needs, desires and fantasies of their partner, the relationship loses its attraction. So what is the future for relationships and what are they going to look like?

The first thing I have realized about the failure of my past relationships is a lack of maturity. Many others and I looked for people who will be more of an incestuous parent than an equal partner. Psychologists predict that most people marry a version of the parent we had the most issues with, hoping that we will have a parent who will do what we want. I have found this doesn’t work very well. This is especially true with potential partners who don’t want the responsibility of being my mother. So the answer is I had to grow up and stop looking for someone else to make me happy. I had to learn how to make myself happy and share that with someone. When I acted like a child needing something (sex, compliments, validation), the relationship failed. When I act like an adult that offers happiness, commitment and stability, relationships changed.

When my sons were growing up, I noticed an amazing thing. The people in their peer group did not split off into couples and begin dating. They stayed together more as a pack and relationships were based on the group dynamic than a one on one dynamic. Eventually my oldest son bumped into one of these members in a more meaningful way and they now are married. They still have a large group of friends who they interact with, and they did not polarize into a separate unit like my parents did.

Based on this trajectory, I can foresee relationships that are more like intense friendships than codependent polarized units that are separate from everyone else. The real relationship will have to be within our higher selves and us. When we connect with our spiritual core, the energy that created us, we enter a state of bliss that does not depend on how someone else is behaving. That is irrelevant. It also takes the responsibility off of our backs to make someone else happy. People take responsibility for their own happiness. The difference between this way of relating and the old ways of relating are huge. When we are strong and compassionate for our partner we can let them be who they are. We do not put any pressure on them to be someone else. We do not fantasize about who they could be to make us happy, because we are already happy. When we are in this state of being, there is no need to leave to find someone that will make us happy because our partner has ceased making us happy. It allows us to be free. There is a lot of fear wrapped around letting someone be who they are because we are afraid they will not like us and leave. If we truly loved ourselves, that thought would not manifest.

I am still working on that relationship with myself. However, I am happy to report that my other relationships are doing well and I am constantly amazed how better it gets as my relationship with myself improves. I can see where we are going and I believe that it will look far different than anyone can imagine. Hopefully divorce lawyers will have to find something else to do.

Reprinted from The Elephant Journal