I observe that so many people are suffering, but they are doing it incorrectly. To properly suffer, there are some requirements to make sure that you are the most miserable, most pain filled victim on the planet. If you follow these suggestions, I promise you a first class miserable experience. Of course if you don’t do these, you probably will be happy.
(1) Worst Case Scenario thinking: Whenever something happens that is unexpected or a challenge, your first thought is all of the things that will go wrong. You never respond in love and you always go into victim-hood and panic. Be sure to stop breathing because that will throw you into fight or flight and you will be totally miserable. At no time are you allowed to have trust or faith. You have to assume that you will die in poverty and shame.
(2) Take things personally: Whatever happens in your universe, it is all about you. People are plotting to make you miserable. If someone does something you don’t like, they did it intentionally to hurt you. You must, I repeat must, assume that nothing happens in this universe without you being the target. The universe revolves around you, and God is out to get you. Be sure to forget or ignore all of the wonderful things that happen in your life, they don’t count.
(3) Your will be done: If you don’t get your way, then it is everyone else’s fault. Nothing ever is your fault and there is no such thing as karma. That is a lie. If people would just do what you tell them, this world would be a much better place. The fact that God may have better plans for you than you can ever imagine doesn’t cross your mind. Your way is the best and if you don’t get it then be sure to quit breathing and go into fight or flight. Misery will be yours.
(4) The World is Conspiring Against You: The fact that you don’t have abundance, the companion, the bank account, the house, or the life that you want is not for lack of trying. You have to spend all day in front of your computer researching all of the reasons the world hates you. You can’t find or keep a job because you carry around a bulls eye on your back and no one is helping you. Effort and discipline are for everyone else, you deserve better.
(5) Life is never good enough: Just when you are so proud of buying your first used car, Bozo the Clown drives by in a new Maserati. You might as well slash the tires of your car; no one will love you in that contraption. You work hard to cook a good meal for your friends or family, and all of your friends brought take out. It is very important to always find something or someone better than you. Don’t be content or happy with what you do, always compare yourself to others.
(6) Never, ever, let go: Happiness is to hard; it is much easier to suffer. After all, someone hurt your feelings 30 years ago, and no matter how good it gets, you keep thinking of that event to bring you down. The more obsessive you can be about it, the more miserable you can be. The fact that everyone has these kinds of events in their life doesn’t matter. You are special and no one knows the trouble you have seen. Ignore the fact that true happiness comes after the pain and true appreciation comes when we experience these events. Gratitude is not allowed, only suffering is allowed.
(7) Be a hater: Misery loves company. If you are hurting, you have to make sure that everyone else is miserable too. Hold tight to the pain and do not let it go, for it will attract all kinds of victims with similar stories to keep you company. After all, nothing is better to fuel misery than a gossip session. Be sure to hate yourself while you are at it. If you dare love yourself, all of this melodrama will disappear. You can’t be miserable without melodrama.
(8) Medicate: Sober thinking is a bummer. You have to stay drunk, stoned or medicated to finely tune your misery. After all, embarrassing yourself in public is a great way to guaranty countless nights of suffering. So have another one just like the other one and hammer that self-pity to the cross. Being sober might lead you to conclude that you are responsible for your life and only you can change it. No fun in that.
(9) Be self-centered and ignore others: Whatever you do, don’t help, love or be compassionate to others. After all, your life sucks and no one understands. To be kind and compassionate to others will only confuse your ego and make being miserable more complicated. Saying a kind word to someone, giving encouragement, or being nice is out of the question and absolutely forbidden. You have to take all you can get out of life and never give anything to anyone else. Self-absorption is the key.
(10) Sit on your but: The proper yoga position for suffering is in a sitting position and meditate on how unfair life is. Focusing on positive thoughts and the discipline to control your thoughts is way too much work. Just sit in your chair and eat Twinkies, the breakfast of losers.
Obviously this is a tongue in cheek look at why we suffer. There are some hidden gems sprinkled throughout on how to be happy. It is kind of like finding Waldo.