February arrives, Valentine’s Day encroaches, and our culture collectively leans into the idea that love is something you either have or don’t. Fortunately, love is more than an experience—it’s a function of your brain. It’s not something you fall into. It’s something you are wired for. And it exists in every relationship, not just the romantic ones that Valentine’s Day celebrates.
I spent years happy and unhappy in relationships and also years happy and unhappy when I was “alone”. That sustainable feeling of love in romantic relationships eluded me for years, and as a young man, I fell hard for the notion that marriage and romance was what I was meant to strive for in terms of love. Boy, was I wrong, and it took me a long time, and a lot of pain, to figure that out. Once I did all of my relationships thrived, including romance, although at that point it had stopped being my focus. It’s amazing what can change when you shift the narratives that have not been serving you.
There is no way around it ~your brain is built for connection. We can all feel this in our bones. I know we are all taught about independence and even “rugged individualism”, but biologically we are wired for interconnection. Even if you are someone who struggles with relationships, the giving and receiving of love, you are still designed to gravitate towards love. From the moment you are born, your neural pathways are shaped by the presence or absence of love. Having someone caring for you deeply, the soothing tone of a voice, and the safety of being held create lasting impacts. These early experiences carve deep grooves in your nervous system, teaching you what it means to be safe, seen, and valued. Long before you ever experience romance, love has already shaped the way your brain understands the world.
As you move through the stages of your life, every relationship continues this work in some way or another. Romantic love, often seen as the pinnacle of connection, is only one expression of this deeply ingrained neural instinct. It could be the inside jokes you share with a close friend, the bonds built between family members, a respected teacher who really listens to you, the common ground and camaraderie of a team, or literally the strands in any relationship, even an innocuous chat in line at the bank. Every one of these exchanges strengthens neural networks designed for bonding. Don’t fall for the hype that romantic love is the most important. Love, at its core, goes far beyond something you seek in one person. It is the invisible landscaping of your emotional world.
Your brain changes when you feel connected. Oxytocin, which our culture has aptly coined the “love hormone,” floods your system in every act of deep human connection. Many of us are trained to believe that it comes primarily from romantic or sexual exchanges, but the emotional boost can come from an infinite number of sources. A hug from a friend, a meme sent, a cuddle with a pet, and even just the comfort of knowing someone does their best to understand you—all of these release the same neurochemicals that a good love affair does. They reduce stress, allow you to develop trust, and increase your resilience. It may sound trite, but it is true that love, in all its forms, is the antidote to loneliness and the fuel for well-being. Your brain perceives social isolation as a threat, which activates your amygdala (your Warrior!) and triggers stress responses that elevate cortisol levels. And we all know the undesired outcomes that can lead to. At this point, irrefutable research has proven that strong positive relationships, of any kind, can significantly lengthen your life span. Not to mention, making the journey much more enjoyable along the way!
Even self-love, which culturally we sometimes label as indulgence, is a neuroscientific necessity. The way you speak to yourself, the kindness you extend inward, directly affects your brain’s wiring. Engaging in self-compassion strengthens connections between the prefrontal cortex and the limbic system, which reduces the focus on your fear-based responses and enhances your emotional regulation.When you speak to yourself as encouragingly as you would to someone you love, when you set boundaries that protect your energy, when you celebrate your own existence, you are strengthening the neural pathways that allow you to thrive. The way you treat yourself literally shapes the way your brain expects to be treated by others. Practicing self-love is a pragmatic strategy that rewires your brain for healthier relationships across the board.
So, as February rolls in and the world of Hallmark and others narrows its focus to romance, you can widen your lens. Love is in the friendships that sustain you, the family that grounds you, the communities that embrace you, and the moments of self-compassion that heal you. Love is the neural thread that binds you to others, the regulator of your emotional state, and foundational to your well-being. Luckily, our brain does not distinguish between forms of love—it simply recognizes, and thrives upon, connection. Most importantly, we have to remember that to find “the one”, we have to be “the one”. The only person that has to love us is ourselves.
If you’re looking for ways to connect more deeply, with yourself and others, check out my acclaimed book, The Secrets to Healing. In it we explore all the ways that you can unlock your own deep healing and activate new avenues for love and connection in your life. Most of us need healing now, more than ever: Hard Cover version of The Secrets to Healing